On the search

I feel as if I am always on the search for something more amazingly vital to my existence than what I am currently experiencing.  I am not sure how much of a role astrology plays in this, but I can accept if being a Virgo has something to do with it.

Its like the song "Across the Universe" everything seems to be passing and slipping across our minds visible but at a distance.  I am not sure what it is exactly that I am trying to point out here, maybe nothing at all.  I spent my college years blogging before it became the ticket to publishing, movie deals and ways to keep stalkerish friends up to date on the pleasantries of your non-existent life. I want to begin to blog again not as a way to update anyone, but as a way to document my progress.  Progress at what you ask?  Well this year, dare I take a moment to be cliche', will be the beginning of a whole new outlook on life.  In eight weeks or so, I will have my first child. I want things for him that I could never imagine wanting for myself.  Stability, 2 loving parents, happiness, freedom, etc.  I want him to be happy and free. 

I will totally tell him that I found out I was pregnant with him in a toilet stall while partially hospitalized due to major depression and a "shhhhh!" nervous breakdown.  It was the last week of therapy before we "graduated" and I scurried over to the eating disorder wing where the bathroom was sure to be empty.  Luckily it was and with 4 minutes of privacy I peed on the stick and waited for my fate.  "Was I ready for this?", I thought to myself, but before I could answer the question, a line appeared.  This would have been the perfect time for me not to be frugal and have purchased the name brand pregnancy test, but I cheaped out for the Equate.  Needless to say that is the reason that line was so light, but it was there.  I was pregnant, again.  I immediately told myself not to get to excited.  I'd been here before. 


Six months later, the young one is on his way.  Motherhood is approaching.  The question of "Am I ready", needn't be answered.  Its happening regardless of if I can "handle" it.  Luckily, therapy came at such a good time.  I have learned many techniques and ways to live without driving myself insane and this year, I intend to utilize them as I embark on Motherhood and retaining my unique drive toward happiness. 

Currently reading Beloved and Blindness.